So last week I took a cart from the supermarket. I was going there to buy t-shirts. Charles told me they don’t sell them there, but I ignored him and poured a bucket of water on him. There was this guy smoking a pipe with no shirt on, talking politics to no one. As I approached him he turned to me, squawked, and ordered me to have the cart. I agreed without question. I didn’t even go into the store. The man started screaming and threw himself through one of the front windows. I whistled like an asshole all the way home.
Of course when I got home, Charles berated me for having more shit to clutter the house. I scoffed at him, telling him, “Charles, we need this. Have you no vision?!” He stared at me skeptically for a moment, then asked flatly, “Why.”
“Remember that blue sweater you had a couple years ago?”
“Yeah, you spilled blue paint all over it.”
“THERE WAS A STAIN ON THE BACK.”
“Mhm. What about it?”
“I have something that can get your sweater back to normal.”
“Really. How?”
“You’re just going to have to trust me.”
“No. Tell me now.”
“You’re such a crunch patty.”
“What the fuck does that even mean?! Tell me now!” he commanded as he grabbed me by the collar.
“Well, now I can finally get the paint thinner from the store.”
Charles loosened his grip a bit. “What are you talking about?”
“We require two cans of paint thinner to get that stain out. But I can only carry one thing at a time. This cart will let me carry many things!”
“You can only carry one thing at a time.”
“That’s what I said, Crunch Patty.”
“Shut the fuck up. Just get the paint thinner.”
Without another word, I turned the cart around and went to the local hardware store, Craig’s. I went in with the cart and asked for Craig, but they told me he was dead. Had been for 12 years. When I tried to ask about how he could be dead when the store still exists, the jerk at the counter told me that the store has been there since 1947. I went “Pff,” and walked away, pushing the cart in a regal manner.
When I got down the paint aisle, I saw what I came in for: two one-gallon cans of paint thinner. As I reached for them, I stopped. Taking a closer look at the can, I turned it to the side. There it said: “Max Hat presents Paint Thinner!” Immediately I was confused. There was a picture of Max Hat under this title – apparently he’s popular for giving the thumbs up, because that’s what he was doing in the picture. Well if that didn’t take the horses saddle, I didn’t know what would. I picked up the cans, threw them to the ground, breaking them everywhere, and left in a huff to track down Max Hat, kicking the horse in the thigh on the way out.
One thing I didn’t mention before: the address of the factory was listed under the photo. So I memorized it and hopped on the bus heading in that direction (it was in the neighboring city). While on the bus I took out my harmonica and tried to comb my hair with it. I’ve never been able to master it, even after 9 years of practice. People looked at me like I was a retard. I just yelled at them, “What are you, the pizza guy? Stop looking at me!” That did the trick every time.
After getting kicked off three stops early for sneezing on people repeatedly, I found my way to the address. But there was no factory – there was just a shitty ranch-style house. I shrugged and banged on the door. After what felt like 25 seconds (it was really 7) a man answered the door. It was Max Hat. He looked like a dickhead. “Hi, can I help you?” he offered.
“You sure can, Dickhead.”
“Whoa whoa whoa, take it easy man, my name’s Max.”
“Yeah whatever Cockcranium.”
“Seriously, what do you want?”
“I’m coming about your paint thinner, Wangdome. You can’t ‘present’ it – it’s fucking paint thinner.”
He paused for a long time. “I never thought anyone would mention that… I thought it would always go unnoticed. I’m ruined!!!” He spun around and ran screaming around his house. I stood on the doorstep and heard things shattering and babies crying. The crying stopped after a couple abrupt THUDs. I didn’t think too much of it.
As I still stood there two hours later, his ugly wife came home and threw her groceries all over the lawn. She ran into the house and started arguing with him. Satisfied with the situation, I picked up a box of Diet Bagel Bites that lay at my feet and ate them raw on the long walk home. When I got there Charles had his sweater all laid out and looked really excited. He saw no paint thinner, so he sulked for the rest of the evening. I ate his bedsheets when he wasn’t looking.