I marched right up to the piece of trash and said, “Put your money where your mouth is.” He stuffed a bunch of coins in his mouth and laughed. I shook my head. “You don’t do that! That’s not your call!” I looked around for the police. Nowhere to be found. I still couldn’t believe he just did that. Obviously I meant it literally, but the unmitigated gall of that man…
Around a mouth full of copper, nickel, and zinc, he said, “Put that in your pipe and smoke it!” I took the idea of his chewing on coins in my hand, poured it into my corn cob pipe, tamped it down with my thumb, raised the pipe to my lips, and lit it while inhaling. The jerk’s jaw dropped, causing half-chewed coins to clink to the ground and scatter. The idea had a full, rich flavor with a hint of cedar and a musk of ferret. I laughed around my pipe. “How do you like THEM apples?” I replied. The prick took another bite from one of the apples he had in his hands and made a sour face. “These taste like rotten shrimp breaded in sawdust.” He continued eating them, tears welling in his eyes. “But I can’t stop eating!” His cheeks bulged suddenly and he ran to a trashcan. With his back to me, I could only hear the sounds of his retching. I giggled like a field mouse wearing a cape.
To this day people ask me all about the origins of that incident, and I tell them I have to take a shit.